Now, I can’t deny the fact that I can’t hold back the time, when I become a mother, the only one thing in my heart is to LOVE my beloved daughter and offer her the best life that I want to be, but since, I failed to have a happy family, I no longer know how could handle her life or balance her life being the only mom and dad beside her since ten years old to date.
In the first stage of knowing each other is so hard for us to determine, there is a time that I want to capitulate those weighty feelings, when I look up her while she is sleeping. We started our life living in a very small corner of blocks, only the bed, and no light in the night, no door to be opened and closed, no kitchen for food preparation, the important for us is we have bed for resting.
As a mother, I need to find things in order to survive; I got a job with a low salary, and accepted all part-time jobs to occupy all my time working, as a housekeeper, bookkeeper, and a volunteer in a different establishment. Being a busy mom, I can’t longer know what happened to my daughter, every time I went into my working place she was asleep the same when I came back home. Sometimes, I found her crying and it made me goaded, I have no time to talk with her, or don’t know what happened to her even her studies. There was a difficulty between us as a mother and a daughter connection, I want her to understand the situation, but it was so hard to explain since she is very young to experience the trouble created by his father, perhaps, all those circumstances was injected in her mind and affected me too much now. Why?
After three years, I am already employed as a secretary and a reason why I stopped my part-time jobs, gradually, I finished my studies for 1 and ½ years and graduated last 2007, the same my relationship towards my daughter getting good and were become a good friend. I had already given my time with her, we bonded sometimes by watching movies, ate in the different restaurants, small shopping and sports.
But, one day, when I came back home, I found her crying again, it was not in my mind that she felt bad that time, we talked and shared what are the whole things happened around her school and in my work premises, a way for us to communicate each other, she started to crying while she is explaining the events happened between her and her best friend. she asked me to look her arms, and when I checked it, there was a number of fresh gash in her left arms. I asked her who made that one, and she told me, she made it, because she thought that she hurt the feelings of her best friend, she felt upset because she hurt somebody and that’s her reason why she hurt herself, I started crying, and I shout in front of her, and begging her not to do it again, I feel afraid about my daughter’s situation, immediately comes in my mind that she has a suicidal attempt which made me stressful until now.
Again, before the Valentine’s Day, I found her again crying; I comforted her and talked to her seriously, the same reasons her friends, she said she felt guilty, because she guessed she hurt the feelings of her friend, which is not true, I let her talked and let her understand the situation, I told her to be strong, and control her emotions. I asked her if she is willing to meet the psychiatry then she asked me to help her.
After this things happen, it was a coincidence she said, she found a book of depressions and she read the contents. She shared it with me, she said, all those symptoms of a person who have a SUICIDAL ATTEMPT. I talked to her seriously, “she said I got this feeling when I saw my father striking you, since I am a child that time, I can’t help you and even begging him to stop, those things was implanted in my mind every time I saw you crying for ache and craving for help for this reason, I can’t even voice out the pain of our yesterday in my heart, secondly, when you have no time with me in my grade school since you are busy looking a job and working even day and night. If I have a problem between my friends in my school premises, you’re not beside me, and I have no one to talked only myself, which is I am full of hatred and frustration, but mom, I love you and I want to survive against this feelings, I am glad because you are there beside me, you let me understand now the situation, I need to fight this depression without taking any medicine, but through our PRAYERS and our LOVE, I believe that I can SURVIVE, God will abide us and He will never forsake us ”
Yes, I am very careful about my daughter’s feeling, I believe that we both survive this kind of situation, my daughter is a very sweet and loving, she is a very understanding and like me, she don’t even know how to hate. It is unfair with her, why in her young age, she experience things which is not suitable for her, she never enjoy her young life, but, I can’t hold back the time, I can’t even change my Tomorrow, Today is the beginning of our Life, a life that we need to take care, because Life is a precious gift from God, a life that we need to enjoy here in the world until our time will end. The end of our life here in the world is the beginning of our Life with God.FLASHBACK !!!